abd

so i defended my dissertation proposal yesterday. dissertation PROPOSAL. don't get any ideas. so, yes. i'm ABD. all but dissertation. but really it should be written aBd. all BUT dissertation. that's an important "but."

and it wasn't as exciting, relieving, exhilarating, climactic as i thought. in fact after i finished i just sort of felt disappointed. i'm not sure in what. myself? the experience? the conclusions the four of us drew about my research question? i'm not sure. but i cried. right there in the hallway. in front of d'vine. and not in a single tear running down my cheek sort of way but in a my throat is closing up and i can't speak and my face gets contorted and i want to close my eyes tightly and open my mouth widely and let the stress all pour out through my eyes sort of way. and then when i finally removed myself from the situation, i went to the history bathroom and had a good loud wailing cry for about 15 minutes until some other unsuspecting woman came in. i figured i'd better quiet down, shut myself up, and get on with things (which involved free sorbet and seeing h-gill's new giant television).

but this is not a good sign. if this is how i react to the PROPOSAL defense, what's going to happen when i defend the real thing. in front of friends and colleagues. in public. where anyone with a ph.d. can ask a question. damn.

but really the point of all this is (unfortunately) that i ended up watching the season finale of the real world tonight (they were in new orleans for anyone like me who might be clueless). and they all leave the house one by one and talk about how much they've grown and grown together and come to love one another and how they can't imagine what it would have been like without each and every one.

and i suddenly realized: someday i have to leave grad school.

it was heartwrenching when rumagin, tune, and rodo al left at the same time. and its still empty without them. but at some point, i will have to walk away and leave everyone behind. sure, some of my cohort will already have made their way into the world. rodo's already there. the partridge has left prematurely, and otto's about to run off to Mugabe-land. but at some point jules, jag, futurama, k-pearl, jtorres, and all those others i've grown close to will have to turn our backs and go off into the world we've been avoiding for so long.

and maybe the gradualness of the process makes it easier. maybe the ending of coursework, and then fieldwork, and then shutting yourself up in a windowless room (not so different from a cube) to actually write the damn thing provides an adequate transition period.

but these people are special to me. different from the rez. different from 409. and certainly different from my high school friends. but we have seen each other at our worst, and supported each other at our best. because we know we are not alone. and not just in a "damn if i don't question you maybe dolores will think we actually understand this stuff and not put me on the spot" sort of way, but in a true sense. because we know that in the end what makes you better and stronger makes me wiser too. and our interests are disparate, and our theories conflict. but i trust and love these people so much.

and they've taught me so much too. i was commenting to h-gill over sorbet yesterday, that there are all these things i have strong opinions about that i really don't know the details of. but when you have a friend writing a dissertation on a topic, and they tell you michelle rhee is the devil you trust them. and you may pick up on the reasons along the way, but because they're less urgent than the protests in potosi, you don't remember the details. so you just blindly agree that south african casinos obscure the inequalities of post apartheid and hunting practices in queros can only really be understood in light of eco-tourism. and i stand by that.

and maybe i'm just getting a little sappy, but i hope i know these people forever. i hope i run into them at aaas for decades to come and someday we're all department chairs and have some sort of reunion in a random marriot room and drink margaritas and reminisce about cactus cantina. because i think that hope is the only thing that will make walking away from this place and these people possible.