buscando para una casita y amor

well, the homehunt was a failure. i had 3 appointments, but 2 were already rented by the time i got there. the third was a studio in a big complex. it was ok. livable. close to whole foods, and not terribly terribly far from the metro. but nothing worth coveting. so i'm passing on it. perhaps this will prove to be a foolish move, but i think i should keep looking. maybe the realtor will find me something amazing.

i do, however, have a much better idea of neighborhoods. by no means comprehensive, but better. au really is surrounded by residential zones. not much by way of a little downtown nearby. but its not far from georgetown, which is very cute and inviting, so i suppose that works.

after all the looking (& walking!) i headed back to chinatown for the bus. i ate a little, got on the bus, read a bit and eventually, i started thinking a lot about jk and questioning things. i got a bit misty-eyed, and then fell asleep.

then, somewhere around edison, nj, we got a flat tire. thinking i was fairly close to home, and know someone with a car, i gave him a call. he lied about being sober, then made up excuses (involving pizza) about why he couldn't come get me. and its not so much the fact that he didn't. it more that, in my thinking, in my worldview-if you will, when you care about someone, you go out of your way to make them happy. you try to help them out of predicaments without being asked. making them smile makes you smile.

so, eventually the tire gets fixed, and we're back on the road. we got into the city around midnight, and i was home by 12:45 (now, if i had been picked up in edison, even with bad traffic, i would have been home by 11). now, k had told me to call when i got to the city so we could hang out, and i first called right before going through the holland. then when i got off the bus. then between the subway and the path. never an answer, so i just went home. and when i walked in the apartment, sitting on my desk was a box from a friend of mine. perhaps friend is overstating. it was from a guy i knew in college, who was a friend of several of my friends. we had a few im conversations here and there. we spoke at parties, but i have never been in posession of his telephone number. and as far as i know he has never had mine. but a while ago i sent many people nyc condoms from work and he was among them. in return he sent me, priority mail, a box of cookies, homebaked in his own kitchen. and i thought....now that is what i've been looking for.

now, this is not to say that i've been looking for it in this particular pseudo-friend. not at all. but that is the type of thing i would expect a loved one to do.

so, then yesterday, i was at work all day. 9 hours to be exact. i did get free dinner out of it, but it was still annoying and stressful. i got home just in time for the sopranos finale, and k & clay brought over some pizza from pizzaland. i didn't have hbo for the first 85% of the sopranos run, and as a latecomer, i never understood the acclaim it had earned. i never found the stories that compelling (though i had taken an interest in the anthony jr. storyline i suppose), i found the ways that women were treated at time appalling, and i've never enjoyed graphic violence. it just wasn't my bag. but everyone (especially in jersey, but including my parents) has been enchanted by it, so i gave it one last shot. i figured it would go out with a bang, and i'd finally be swayed.

and then it ended. and i was miffed. i'd call it awful, but it isn't even deserving of a reaction. at that point i said i was fed up with tv and wasn't watching anything else on hbo. so i went to my room to read. when the john from cincinatti ended, k came in and said he was leaving so he could do some ironing. i wimpered a bit and he left. then i called him and wimpered more. then i had a good crying session. then i called my mama, and had a very long chat about all things relating to love.

today i still feel deflated. i don't know what i want, or if i want anything at all. i suppose it doesn't really matter what i want. i have a certain set of circumstances to deal with and from those i will make my own history.