i'm either paranoid or too intuitive for my own good

please excuse the vagueness. i have my reasons.

i'm feeling like i'm about to be very disappointed and i'm not sure i can take it. i've already had my heart ripped out twice in the last year, and i'm sick of it. i keep telling myself that good things happen to people all the time, and i shouldn't be so suspicious, and damn, just look around...

and when this all started, likely due to the previous rippings, i proceeded cautiously. but after what seemed like some perfect communication i started to throw caution to the wind. now i think that probably wasn't the best idea. i'm usually far more reserved, but after countless gchats with kj, it seemed like that was the way to go. maybe that's what we had been missing all along.

and i've decided that friends forseeing happy things in my future, usually means brief bouts of happiness followed by disappointment. last year when the now short-haired dirty hippie suggested something good would happen in the next 6 months, i only had to wait 2 weeks. then two months later i felt like i had been trampled.

this summer, gina cottone-divito-cottone's former future ex-husband told me something would be "seriously wrong with the world" if something good didn't happen soon. and a few weeks later, something did. but am i so terribly cynical and bitter that i can't just be happy and enjoy it. why am i so suspicious that things couldn't possibly work out. why must i read too far into simple things that should make a giant smile spread across my face. instead, i call the lou frantically saying i'm sure its a method of avoidance. i wish i could just let go and enjoy things as they happen, for better or worse. maybe this time, things are different.

i must be totally insane.

but then i think back to instances when i tried to convince myself i was just paranoid, but really, i was just seeing the first inclings of bad news. the spell right before finals. that conversation so many years ago about mcCait while lying on the floor of the zbt chapter room. or worse, the "i think i just need to deal with the tension" phonecall (though that one i really wasn't all that upset about). that look accompanied by "oh, dj nellie." its always subtle, but i can always see right through it. and damn, i really hope this is not that.