there's some movie that includes the line "when you have insomnia you're never really awake and never really alseep" or something to that effect. i want to say its fight club. doesn't really matter though...
what matters is i've slept for less than 5 hours the last 4 nights. And I keep thinking at some point my body will need more. But it just doesn't. I went to bed around 12:30 tonight. fell asleep fairly quickly. at 1:15 I woke up. I lied in bed waiting to fall asleep again. at 2:30 I gave up and thought I'd try to get some work done.
The problem is, i feel overly caffeinated (despite the fact that when tired this afternoon I went for the non-caffeinated peppermint tea over the weird smelly caffeinated stuff e.e. recommended). I can't concentrate on the book. I get half-thoughts, and all the "NGOs" on the page blur together. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I already feel behind. and I'm going to be at school all day tomorrow, and most likely get very little reading done because of various meetings and other obligations.
My mother would suggest that its all because I'm preoccupied. Or perhaps just not getting any exercise. But I have been getting physical activity. and I'm feeling pretty content at the moment. Other than the fact that this lack of sleep is causing me to be less productive. anyway, there's really no point to me writing this. all i'm doing is wasting more time being unproductive. time for some sleepytime tea.
30 enero 2008
27 enero 2008
clink
I've been trying to come up with something to write here since wednesday. and perhaps a blog is not the most highly regarded ways of memorializing a person, but its what i've got, and i don't think she'd mind.
Connie was a profound influence on my life. i first remember encountering her in 1992. I played a munchikin in the high school's production of The Wiz. I remember a random sampling of moments from the play. I remember Betsy braiding her hair (13 years later my sister would play the same role, braids and all). I remember Brian Harmon putting his vest on upside down. I remember Steven Hartke (the tin man) holding up his axe as a signal to whoever was running the light board. i remember one of the Miller sisters trying to put makeup on me, and it being all blotchy. i remember the NCHS speech team sending the cast flowers with a note that said "Good Luck, Don't Suck." At that age, it was shocking...I didn't use that kind of language.
4 years later it became a central part of my lexicon. "Good luck, don't suck. I'm going to feed the ducks." It was Connie's most sincere way of encouraging. I learned a lot of things from Connie, the least being what "feeding the ducks" really meant. I learned my middle name was Ann. I learned how to hug her. I learned not to take Suter's criticisms too seriously (just seriously enough). I learned not to "use glue as deodorant." I learned not to let her interfere with my love life. I learned to walk in heels (a skill I've since lost). I learned not to skip finals. I learned lollypops are an awful fundraiser. I learned to play euchre. I learned others were jealous of the hey hi family. I learned how to "fly." I learned where she kept her cleaning products. I learned I should consult her before chopping off my hair. I learned that one need not be able to sing to have a part in a musical. I learned that Lauren Bacall went a long way with a scratchy voice. I learned who to lean on. I learned that something was amiss at the circle K. I learned there was humor in live chickens. I learned how to do a sugar shot. In essence, I learned that "I already had the potatoes, I just needed the gravy."
And now, i take stock of my life and see traces of her everywhere. She is present in the material posessions I have in my apartment. She is present in the way I construct and argument. Every time I give a presentation I silently thank her for not being nervous. I watch other speakers rock back and forth or with arms glued to their sides and smirk. I was told recently that I have very distinctive gestures. I owe them (for better or for worse) to her.
Connie was a teacher, a coach, a director, a mentor, a class advisor, an employer, and a friend. I contemplate what she did for me, and then think of the hundreds of other students she touched and wonder where I fall along the continuum. The funny thing is, I don't think any of us were just another kid. Even the ones she got frustrated with (I now have a vision of Gordo with a football shaved in his head) were truly loved deep down.
I last saw Connie two years ago and her retirement celebration. I somehow ended up at the table with her and it was wonderful to catch up. In some ways I feel guilty for not visiting her last time I was home, knowing full well it was probably my last chance. But in some ways I'm glad my last memory of her is still as the spunky, outspoken, but caring individual I looked up to so much. And as I looked around the room at that event, I saw all the other people who had been affected so deeply. And reconnecting with them was really amazing and valuable. It was because of her that we all loved each other so much. And maybe I'm overly romanticizing the relationships I had with the speechies and the kids from the park, but they are the people I still keep in touch with. They're the ones that make me proud of my roots and I hope that legacy continues. Without Connie it will be hard, but I think she's an amazing enough influence that she will continue to be felt, long after her physical presence has been lost.
I'm going to try to go home next weekend, and if/when I do, I will most certainly "Go to Ash."
her obituary
Connie was a profound influence on my life. i first remember encountering her in 1992. I played a munchikin in the high school's production of The Wiz. I remember a random sampling of moments from the play. I remember Betsy braiding her hair (13 years later my sister would play the same role, braids and all). I remember Brian Harmon putting his vest on upside down. I remember Steven Hartke (the tin man) holding up his axe as a signal to whoever was running the light board. i remember one of the Miller sisters trying to put makeup on me, and it being all blotchy. i remember the NCHS speech team sending the cast flowers with a note that said "Good Luck, Don't Suck." At that age, it was shocking...I didn't use that kind of language.
4 years later it became a central part of my lexicon. "Good luck, don't suck. I'm going to feed the ducks." It was Connie's most sincere way of encouraging. I learned a lot of things from Connie, the least being what "feeding the ducks" really meant. I learned my middle name was Ann. I learned how to hug her. I learned not to take Suter's criticisms too seriously (just seriously enough). I learned not to "use glue as deodorant." I learned not to let her interfere with my love life. I learned to walk in heels (a skill I've since lost). I learned not to skip finals. I learned lollypops are an awful fundraiser. I learned to play euchre. I learned others were jealous of the hey hi family. I learned how to "fly." I learned where she kept her cleaning products. I learned I should consult her before chopping off my hair. I learned that one need not be able to sing to have a part in a musical. I learned that Lauren Bacall went a long way with a scratchy voice. I learned who to lean on. I learned that something was amiss at the circle K. I learned there was humor in live chickens. I learned how to do a sugar shot. In essence, I learned that "I already had the potatoes, I just needed the gravy."
And now, i take stock of my life and see traces of her everywhere. She is present in the material posessions I have in my apartment. She is present in the way I construct and argument. Every time I give a presentation I silently thank her for not being nervous. I watch other speakers rock back and forth or with arms glued to their sides and smirk. I was told recently that I have very distinctive gestures. I owe them (for better or for worse) to her.
Connie was a teacher, a coach, a director, a mentor, a class advisor, an employer, and a friend. I contemplate what she did for me, and then think of the hundreds of other students she touched and wonder where I fall along the continuum. The funny thing is, I don't think any of us were just another kid. Even the ones she got frustrated with (I now have a vision of Gordo with a football shaved in his head) were truly loved deep down.
I last saw Connie two years ago and her retirement celebration. I somehow ended up at the table with her and it was wonderful to catch up. In some ways I feel guilty for not visiting her last time I was home, knowing full well it was probably my last chance. But in some ways I'm glad my last memory of her is still as the spunky, outspoken, but caring individual I looked up to so much. And as I looked around the room at that event, I saw all the other people who had been affected so deeply. And reconnecting with them was really amazing and valuable. It was because of her that we all loved each other so much. And maybe I'm overly romanticizing the relationships I had with the speechies and the kids from the park, but they are the people I still keep in touch with. They're the ones that make me proud of my roots and I hope that legacy continues. Without Connie it will be hard, but I think she's an amazing enough influence that she will continue to be felt, long after her physical presence has been lost.
I'm going to try to go home next weekend, and if/when I do, I will most certainly "Go to Ash."
her obituary
21 enero 2008
i saw three good movies this weekend.
friday, i saw pan's labrynth with biij & lebanon. very depressing, but beautiful and captivating. in a way, its that beauty that hurts.
saturday, i watched the science of sleep, which did not impress me as much as eternal sunshine, but was still very much worth seeing. and that's not just because of g.g.b.
last night, after getting hopped up on a lot of jasmine tea, i saw 10 items or less. which was fantastic! undoubtedly my favorite of the three.
and so, in light of my inspiration, here are 10 things i loathe:
people who walk too slow
asking directions
my nemesis
distance between people
unnecessary plastic bags
midtown rush hour path train
pennsylvania
the princess bride
coffee
kissing someone who smokes
and the 10 things i'd keep
merrell boots
purple scarf
maryanne
skinny legs and all
funshine
the painting in my room at the ps' house
the rez picture from chaco
camera
the slippers juana made
the midwest
friday, i saw pan's labrynth with biij & lebanon. very depressing, but beautiful and captivating. in a way, its that beauty that hurts.
saturday, i watched the science of sleep, which did not impress me as much as eternal sunshine, but was still very much worth seeing. and that's not just because of g.g.b.
last night, after getting hopped up on a lot of jasmine tea, i saw 10 items or less. which was fantastic! undoubtedly my favorite of the three.
and so, in light of my inspiration, here are 10 things i loathe:
people who walk too slow
asking directions
my nemesis
distance between people
unnecessary plastic bags
midtown rush hour path train
pennsylvania
the princess bride
coffee
kissing someone who smokes
and the 10 things i'd keep
merrell boots
purple scarf
maryanne
skinny legs and all
funshine
the painting in my room at the ps' house
the rez picture from chaco
camera
the slippers juana made
the midwest
08 enero 2008
mis propositos
well, its that time of year, and i've made a few resolutions. i'm going to try to be a wiser consumer. buying more second hand. buying more local food. that sort of thing. i also want to pay more attention to what i'm putting in my body, and get back in the yoga habit. finally, i've been realizing i never really listen to music any more. so i resolve to listen to music rather than watch tv, at least some times.
i'm back in dc and feeling very different than i was at home. i feel less needy. more just here. not necessarily in a good or bad way, but the things i was so preoccupied with in heytown are less affecctive here. though in some ways things still pull at me, but i think i'm learning to live with the questions. or maybe i'm just in a funk today.
i've read some stuff for next semester, and am quite pleased that the other things i'm supposed to have read i read last semester. i'll look at them again before monday, but for now i feel sort of caught up. though i think i'll try to make more of a dent in my butler book or the maya healing. and i still need to do more research on dv in bolivia. but its only 6pm, and i don't really have a plan for the evening. other than that there is crap all over my place that needs to be put away. sigh.....
i'm back in dc and feeling very different than i was at home. i feel less needy. more just here. not necessarily in a good or bad way, but the things i was so preoccupied with in heytown are less affecctive here. though in some ways things still pull at me, but i think i'm learning to live with the questions. or maybe i'm just in a funk today.
i've read some stuff for next semester, and am quite pleased that the other things i'm supposed to have read i read last semester. i'll look at them again before monday, but for now i feel sort of caught up. though i think i'll try to make more of a dent in my butler book or the maya healing. and i still need to do more research on dv in bolivia. but its only 6pm, and i don't really have a plan for the evening. other than that there is crap all over my place that needs to be put away. sigh.....
04 enero 2008
deuce
i went to the circle last night for karoke. the second time on this trip home. of course, the first attempted resulted in a surprise encounter with a man-stripper, and total lack of karoke.
last night, however, did not disappoint. there was plenty of dixie chicks, johnny cash, and kid rock/sheryl crow to go around. i ran into twilla, and she was sweet as ever. i also saw the tear-inducing turner, and we had a nice brief chat. he said he's been working in construction, and perhaps it was just the booze talking, but he said a few times that he should have paid more attention in school, but he was trying to be a rebel. i responded that he seemed happy, and to be doing well, so really, he shouldn't be too regretful.
i think in our own little way we were coming to terms with each other. he was saying, "sorry i thought you were a dork in high school, now i realize you knew what was up." and i was saying "sorry i thought you were a deadbeat in high school. now i realize you knew what was up." i hope it was our own little artis/miller moment. thankfully, this one didn't take a funeral.
last night, however, did not disappoint. there was plenty of dixie chicks, johnny cash, and kid rock/sheryl crow to go around. i ran into twilla, and she was sweet as ever. i also saw the tear-inducing turner, and we had a nice brief chat. he said he's been working in construction, and perhaps it was just the booze talking, but he said a few times that he should have paid more attention in school, but he was trying to be a rebel. i responded that he seemed happy, and to be doing well, so really, he shouldn't be too regretful.
i think in our own little way we were coming to terms with each other. he was saying, "sorry i thought you were a dork in high school, now i realize you knew what was up." and i was saying "sorry i thought you were a deadbeat in high school. now i realize you knew what was up." i hope it was our own little artis/miller moment. thankfully, this one didn't take a funeral.
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